{ L E O N I E . W I S E }

everything is going to be alright. unknown
(if you know who the photographer is, please tell me so i can credit them)

so, now there’s been a great breaking down, days where my toast would have landed on the floor buttered side down if i’d dropped it, what happens next?

natalie goldberg, in her marvellous book writing down the bones says:

you can’t go deep into your writing and then step out of it, clamp down, go home, “be nice”, and not speak the truth. if you give yourself over to honesty in your practise, it will permeate your life. you can’t straighten up during writing and then hunch back down when you let go of the pen. writing can teach us the dignity of speaking the truth, and it spreads out from the page into all of our life, and it should.

i guess then, that gives me a few options:

1. stop writing the truth of my life
2. keep writing the truth of my life here, but not allow it to spread out from the page
3. keep writing the truth of my life here, and take that same truth out into the world

because what i did was fairly easy…
i didn’t have to look you in the eye as i was writing. i was hiding in bed, sharing some of my dark thoughts and how i really feel, sharing the truth. because a lot of people who read my words here don’t know me, have never met me, and i don’t have to interact with you during the course of my daily life. so you’re never gonna know if i don’t live with this same honesty as i emerge from under the covers and step back out into the world.

the real change will begin when i learn to take this same truth out of my writing and into my daily life – speaking this truth as i interact with the people around me… because if i don’t, or if i continue to only speak this kind of truth when i write (on, or offline), then i will end up living a dichotomy that is likely to be my undoing.

this is my promise to myself for 2010

• i claim VOICE as my word for the year and TRUTH as it’s backup singer
• i will speak my truth gently, understanding that whoever is listening has their own truth and may not want to hear what i’m saying
• i will ask for help if i need it
• i will begin

(thank you to you all for your wonderful responses & lovely email messages. i am braver because of you)

speak the truth. unknown.
(if you know who the photographer is, please tell me so i can credit them)

suddenly everything has piled on top of me at once and i can’t see my way out.

i am fucking angry right now with some parts of my life, yet i’m not doing anything to change them.

i’m feeling lost. worthless. might as well be dancing with ants (it would be just as useful).

i have watched Gabrielle Bouliane, speak to me about things i already know and am still not doing anything about. she challenges me to get up and do something with my life. she’s dead now and i’m still alive. and still not doing anything.

i was offered a writing gig that, while unpaid, is fairly high profile in some creative circles. there was excitement and disbelief… mostly disbelief. with so many amazing writers on this planet, why did they choose me?! and when it came to selecting photos to go with my words, looking back through all the places i have been, i am really struggling to find six that i really love now.

i have lost faith in my writing & photographic abilities

my head knows all the words

1. i get to choose how i react to things in my life
2. if i don’t like who i am, then change it
3. make a list and start at the top
4. just start with one thing
5. …

i’ve read motivational books, websites, know all the right things to say to offer encouragement to myself, to write my way out, or do the work

i have been struck down with a fever of the mind and spent the last two days in bed. with crazy thoughts going through my brain…

• like selling all my cameras because i feel like i take crappy photos
• like how much i hate a part of my life, but have no fucking clue what to do if i don’t do that thing anymore
• how i have a book that i still haven’t managed to finish
• how my style statement book is sitting in a pile of other books because i haven’t been able to finish working through it
• how, if someone had to come into my flat to clear it out because i just up and left, they would find so many unfinished things; like unsent mail, unframed art, unfinished creative projects
• how i can’t fill in susannah’s lovely worksheet because i don’t have a word for 2010. i did think at one point that my word might be voice, but since i have such a hard time with saying anything, then how can it be?
• how i don’t have a clue what i’m doing with my life and, if i didn’t have my beloved right now, i’d be screwed because i’m hiding in bed (not working) and wouldn’t be able to pay the rent
• that i have one coldsore on my face already, with another threatening to appear and keep it company
• how maybe my new haircut wasn’t such a great idea after all
• how trivial all of these things are compared to the problems of others, so how dare i stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. like, how fucking self-absorbed am i?!

but rather than getting up and doing any of these things; or starting with just one thing, then moving on to the next, i’m just sitting here.

feeling like shit. not doing anything to change it.

i myself am made entirely of flaws
stitched together with good intentions
- unknown

what i don’t need:

• platitudes
• judgement (talking mostly about myself here)

what i do need:

• the space to allow this to work itself through me, rather than trying to subdue it and make it not okay, or make myself wrong for feeling any of this
• carol’s siren red angel
• friends who can help me get my big girl panties on and deal with it

it is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy, it is disposition alone. seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other and seven days are more than enough for others.
- jane austen

to my beloved on our eighth wedding anniversary,

i have found that even eight years has been insufficient to make us fully acquainted. i hope our intimate conversation lasts for many, many more years to come.

i love you

the glittering object of desire is often seen as the answer to all present difficulties. the natural thought is that; with this incredible thing, with this incredible woman, with this car, with this workspace, i will be different. a person without the problems i possess now. but there are manifold drawbacks…

…it is a want that may actually be a way of stopping real things from happening.
- david whyte. the three marriages: reimagining work, self and relationship

i could think of at least a dozen times that this has been true in my own life. those times when i think about how much better my life would be if only i had a bigger desk or an allocated room for all my creative projects. how i could take better pictures if i had a better camera. how a new mixing bowl or item of fancy kitchen equipment will almost certainly guarantee that i am a better cook. how that very sparkley object is, without doubt, going to change my life if only i could have it right now. or, i would be successful or feel beautiful if only i had … (with conditions attached).

david whyte has me thinking about the possibility that i might be preventing real things from happening in my own life whilst i am seeking answers through obtaining desirable objects.

he leaves me wanting to be more mindful of future objects that i introduce into my already cluttered life.

these thoughts also goad me into taking a good look at all the things i currently have in my life that might have arrived there from me imagining (consciously or unconsciously) that they were an answer to a difficulty/problem.

i am back in a place where my heart is full and my head is empty…
…because i don’t have any words to adequately describe the weekend i’ve just had with seven glorious women.

so, in lisa’s words…

the realest of real women gathered this weekend. shed, nourished, clear, expanded, relieved, and ready to give voice and take action on all possibility.

emma, jo, lisa, megg, penny, sas and susannah… i love you more than crumpets toasted over an open fire.

anxiety.

it’s a small word that really doesn’t adequately define the feeling…

… the one where I go to meet a friend, perhaps for the first time, perhaps one I have met many times before. it is the quiet moments before the encounter, where I am opening my heart, readying myself for the moments we are together.

it’s when i wonder if i am spiritually presentable; whether the gift that i bring of myself, my heart, my willingness to meet and be seen is enough. i wonder if i am about to be caught out somehow, shown up as being a fraud, an impostor, coversationally or spiritually inept.

yet, to my surprise and [often] delight, i discover that the people i find myself gathering with are a reflection of where i am in my life…

this friendship.
this conversation.
this meeting.

… these are perfectly timed, beautifully orchestrated moments that exist because of all that has gone before.

i let go of wondering how on earth it was that i got to meet this person, or that person, and trust instead in the magical way that life opens up to me in all it’s glory simply because I show up and am willing to be met, wherever i am, however i am, in this moment.

these moments exist because i am ready for them;

this friendship,
this conversation,
this meeting…

… and they are ready for me.

some days i really feel like this…

like i am scrabbling and scratching, clawing my way through a hard outer shell to expose the warm, softer parts of me to the light. and sometimes, i would like to stay in the egg and never come out any farther than this.

i had an image in my mind earlier today of a beautifully ornate envelope, gilded and highly decorated.

and inside this envelope was a wonderfully constructed document. it details all the most sublime parts of myself and is written in beautiful handwriting. this document contains the shimmering, golden light that i keep ’safe’ – hidden from the outside world. in it are all my truest songs and those most delicate, sensetive, loving & soulful parts of myself that i pull out every now and again, shine for the world (and myself) to take a peek at, then carefully fold them up and tuck them away in some hidden pocket of my garments.

i wonder if this exploration into myself (or this coming out of myself) will take me forever.

some days it feels like it’s taking too long, and i can’t wait another second. other days, it feels like it is happening all too quickly – like i am too visible, too easy to identify, far too exhuberant to be overlooked.

some days i feel like i want to pull the golden thread that is my life out of the big tapestry, to quietly disappear and roll back up into a tiny ball.

other days i want to leap out into the wild foaming swell and shout “YES” at the top of my lungs, to all of it. the messy, the sweet, the connections, the despair, the togetherness, the aloneness, the joy, the pain, the giving & receiving, the telling of stories.

susannah’s unravelling course seems to have done some magic thing already and stirred up the heat of my inner cauldron. this week i’ve been looking at the ground, at my feet, considering where i’ve been, and where i now stand (both literally and metaphorically).

i can feel the wellspring within me bubbling, the sound of which is increasing, rising towards an urgent crescendo… as if there are stories that must be told, demons slain, some more pieces of me explored & unravelled, more parts of me awakened to emerge.

photo by my beautiful friend darlene

i’ve been thinking over the past couple of days about how easy it is for me to see so much good and potential and promise in others – the friends dear to me as well as colleagues & passing acquaintances. i find it easy to offer encouraging words to remind others of the good that they are and that they do.

it is easy for me to speak from my deepest knowing to a friend; to speak the truth of who she is and what she is capable of. i often also find that my eyes will soulfully communicate with hers, which often has a more powerful transmission than anything i could give voice to.

yet, like many women i know, i find it hard to say these things to myself. i find it hard to speak to myself from my deepest knowing of the beauty and the value that i also have. and sometimes (well, most times for me), it’s not actually something i would be able to verbalise anyway… it’s more of a feeling, a knowing, a deep recognition on a cellular level, than anything i can ever speak. it’s showing up in the mirror, meeting myself in my reflection and having a conversation with myself through my eyes rather than by using my voice.

i often feel frustrated at not being able to fully communicate through words what it is that i feel and really want to say. there are a number of people who write so deeply with words that really resonate with me and i often wonder why it is that i am unable to string my thoughts and feelings together in such a beautiful and engaging manner. very often, even thanking them for their words feels impossible to ever communicate in any meaningful way.

and it feels like this wordless conversation has been going on for me my whole life.

in fact, in a lot of my poetry there’s a common thread of feeling like words are ’stuck in my throat’ – wanting to get out somehow, yet i never really feel like what i want to say could ever be spoken coherently. even now as i sit here writing, i can feel a tightness in my throat, like there’s something stuck there that wants to be spoken that is unable to come out.

so, right now, i sit here again frustrated… not because i can’t get my message across to you, but because i feel currently unable to have the conversation with myself that i truly desire.

maxim bar, copenhagen

5 things i am excited about today

1. discovering that anthropologie is opening a store in london in just a few days. joy!
2. visiting friends in copenhagen this coming weekend (jellyfish salad anyone?)
3. record the day – by lobster & swan
4. the brilliant insider’s guide to my secret london from wee birdy & friends
5. lo-fi london, from notes by naive, reveals to me some yet undiscovered places (not for long)*
6. a journalling tutorial from curiously crafty

what’s got you excited today?

*it was only 5 this morning, and i’ve since found this gem. for a new zealander living in london, this is an awesome find, as it’s often hard to even know where to start looking for delights like this page has

hello

i love your trees, shedding their finery, baring their skeletons to the biting winds.

i love your blue sky days and cool nights that call for blankets, mittens and scarves.

i love the feeling of holding a mug of hot soup or tea in my fingers, sitting beside a warm fire.

i love your colour pallette of reds, oranges, browns, yellows.

i love your sunrises, dancing mist off quiet lakes & ocean shores.

hello autumn, i love you.

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a selection of autumny polaroids from flickr

1. wednesday: orange, 2. Autumn’s gifts, 3. autumn offering, 4. Untitled, 5. There’s just something about pumpkins., 6. tomatoes, 7. autumn leaves, 8. that fall feeling, 9. Untitled, 10. smell of fall, 11. the boldness of fall., 12. polaroad, 13. provincetown-sunrise, 14. ., 15. ocean of light, 16. Untitled