performance anxiety calm

i haven’t been writing much lately: here or on paper.

and as i sat here thinking about WHY, i wondered, for the tiniest moment, if it was because i was anxious…

if it was because i had fallen back into the TRAP of comparing myself with others and coming up short.
or if it was that what i wanted to say wouldn’t come out right and that it would be misinterpreted.

and i realised as i sat here, in quiet conversation with myself that i wasn’t comparing. and i’m not anxious.

i’m totally calm. and still.
peace-full.

and the words aren’t coming because nothing is clamouring to be said.

(well, apart from this obviously)

inspired by the Lines & Shapes Connect Us publication Sundays Are For Lovers ¹, i am accepting the invitation – located inside the front cover – to answer the set of questions that all the featured artists answered.

i invite you to play along too.
leave a link to (or write) your answers in the comments…

questions are in bold.  here we go…

My home-base is currently London, England, though i still consider New Zealand my home

Day to day I work as much as i can on learning more about myself and the world

If I didn’t do this I would probably already be dead

Next year I will travel to some more countries that I’ve not visited yet

To me Sunday means sleeping in with Nic

And I like to eat something that someone else has made, preferably somewhere we’ve not been before

And I will get out of bed if the sun is shining and there are places to go

And get dressed around the time I am ready to leave the house

And I will smile about everything that is good and right in my life

And I just may daydream about a home by the sea

And when Monday comes i will tīmata anō (begin again)

————–

1. footnotes

1. thanks to Jeanine for putting me on to this publication
2. features Brian Ferry of the blue hour, who i have only just found out about (i know!)
3. the book is available in London from Albam or online from Lines & Shapes
4. limited edition of only 1000 copies, so hurry if you want one of your own

check out my recent game here: airportalphabet.tumblr.com. created because i had the time and needed to spend it doing something creative.

i managed to get the whole alphabet, then (halfway through uploading) realised i was in the wrong terminal at charles de galle (and if you’ve ever been there, you’ll have an idea of how disastrously this story could end), so i cut my internet connection and sprinted for the bus to take me to the right terminal. i finished my upload after i’d reached my destination and my heart rate (& stress levels) had returned to normal…

still, if i’d been in the correct terminal the whole time, this game might have turned out differently.

i’d love to know if you decide to play it whilst travelling somewhere!

my heart is full to bursting because of tiny jewels, of happy accidents: chance encounters, random crazy moments of what-the-fuck-just-happened, feeling my heart change beat to sing in time to the drummers in the park, noticing the sound of the tap in the kitchen dripping and the hum of the refrigerator in the corner, finding the best coffee in the neighbourhood and making new friends of strangers.

magic lies in places like this. the discovery of a new friend via the blog world that leads to a meeting, then a trip to her fair city. i`m referring specifically to the lovely jeanine, whose house i sit in as i compose these first few lines to you.

i have so many photographs of this trip and a feeling that, even if i wrote for days, i simply could not portray to you just how much fun these few magic-filled days have been.

so instead of trying, i shall simply share some glimpses with you:

wandering the mile end streets

canon 5d mkII, diana+ lens

(i walked by the day after i’d taken this photograph to see the guy polishing his unicorn)

quirky shops, filled with interesting assortments

canon 5d mkII, diana+ lens

an amazing garage sale find. i mean who could resist the temptation to buy the polaroid spectra close-up stand duplicator for only $2. WHO? (i suspect this one purchase alone now qualifies me as a camera junkie of the strangest kind)

crossing to the other side of the tracks (loving the discovery that my jeans were folded up to different lengths)

to visit the fresh food market

interesting locals

tam tams in the park

the montreal jazz festival

great shop windows (yes, i did buy the moustache)

and gardens bursting with colour

a visit to beautys luncheonette: a montreal institution (for a full diner breakfast experience – including the crap filter coffee)

then to another for sodas

renting a bixi bike and cycling to the top of mont royal in the evening to see the city

the exhilarating ride back down the hill through the cemetery and a beautiful encounter with a raccoon

the BEST vegan food i have ever tasted in. my. life.

back streets and alleyways full of surprises

pizza and wine in the back yard, complete with tiki lanterns (which prompted this post by jeanine)

canon 5d mkII, diana+ lens

and a photobooth session for the finale – the results of which had me laughing so hard that my sides hurt & i had tears running down my face. i still need to work on my photobooth face!

there has been life, love & laughter in spades.

with love to you, wherever you are
-leonie

p.s. more photographs up on flickr (with more to come as i slowly sort through them all)

my writing for 21.5.800 is private. it’s a conversation i have chosen to have with myself as i realised earlier on this month that i had been spending so much time following what others were saying and doing that i’d forgotten what my own voice sounded like.

so i retreated somewhat. and decided that 21.5.800 would be about me. and an experiment in communicating with myself via the medium of technology – namely my macbook and ommwriter.

bindu has been writing about fear. and this morning i realised that it’s not fear that’s holding me back.

it’s shame.

and this realisation has brought about the wonderful beginning of a new and deeper, more truthful and honest conversation with myself. and because feeling shame can lead me to intentionally causing harm to myself…

today my intention was simply this:
i will get through this day without doing myself any harm

(i’m doing pretty well so far)

going with such fabulous friends definitely was the highlight of the event.

other highlights included: the polo (england vs. nz which sadly we lost by one goal)

the ngati ranana maori culture group (singing songs i knew the words to, and doing lovely poi)

nz wine in the sunshine

pies

(and lamingtons)

and the feelers – who came all the way from new zealand just for us

chur

download the pdf A4 | 8.5 x 11 if you would like a copy for yourself

the manifesto text
work . play . rest
keep it simple. ask for what you need
TRY
dream, create, inspire
respect the environment
it’s okay to say NO. buy hand made
SMILE at strangers
trust the process
practise kindness. grow something
tell YOUR story
be present. begin again
breathe deeply
BELIEVE

made for sharing

*please be kind and respect my copyright by not passing it on as your own, though please DO share the downloads with anyone you like.

you are exactly where you are meant to be